Wednesday, December 26, 2012


One down. Two to go. Yeah holidaze.
Clique for the musica fantastico: MUSICA or if you can't stand that one, MUSICA 2 
... it is the holidaze after all...

Personally, I could give a crap either way concerning this season in general. The stigma, pressure and fervor I could do without, but for the most part I like spending the time with most of my family eating, drinking, and usually the conversation. For example; had a nice meal earlier, swilling fermented grape products, and discussing among other things conditioned behaviors/ responses of americans in light of the various shootings of late slowly morphing to the question of what the future may hold for us and which will be the most imminent; massive climate shifts, augmented realities, or the wane of the concept of money...

Gift giving I don't mind, receiving them is tough for me. I usually don't want anything, and half the stuff I am given I tend to moan at the thought of having to "deal" with. I generally just want supplies -art stuff, culinary equipment or the money to buy whatever, later. Books are nice, but I am a deplorable reader. I love art, but rarely have anywhere to put it, other than in storage. Clothes are quite functional, but I have too much already as I still have a fair amount from over 10 years ago.

I like giving gifts and making people smile, but I never know what to get people as I mull over what people may need or would be able to make use of, rather than just buy dad a tie or some other tacky thing. Sigh... that, and I am almost always broke... but that is over with now. So nice.

Yet there is still so far to go.

Kind of dreading the birthday in a few. Another day of forced smiling. I always feel as if there is something I SHOULD do. These past couple years I just get kinda drunk early just so I won't have to face myself for the rest of the day, then slur my way through a fancy dinner so I can go home feeling alone in the universe no matter who is sleeping in my bed with me. That and it's always cold. I hate the cold. I hate not being able to enjoy being outside, even if its just a chair in a yard.

I think this year I might try being a selfish, vindictive prick more than, as I am often told, usual. Hmmm. I'll have to dig out a dark suit I suppose, and iron a crimson shirt, get a haircut before the day arrives... Sleep through as much of the morning as possible, ignore as many phone calls as I choose, then go somewhere posh and suck on a manhattan or two and graze on pretty little plates of skillfully prepared produce and baby animals ground or grilled swimming in rich sauces all served on fancy flatware and all under art deco or candle light while I wax poor poetic positions as I visually peel away the painted on appearance of the little black dress on everyone I deem physically deserving of wearing one, and eye-fuck each of them while I fork away at a few bites of something akin to a death by chocolate. Then home and to bed and the inky sleep to come, while a heartbreaker of a film flickers a few feet from my face.
This year we do the dance like only a good little Turgenev-ian nihilist of this day and age could.

And will neither apologize, nor feel in the slightest way that I should.

...but wait! We're not done.


There is still the new year to ring in. SHIT!

I suppose I should look forward to it this year, as 2012 cannot end soon enough... but there is this ritual of celebration that always winds up so depraved... Dancing deftly to polka with a father's mistress at 14,  or perhaps wandering around a seaside town clutching a bottle of bubbly like a medicinal millennium club, or tripping balls trying to find my way out of the French Quarter dragging an equally drugged dancer to each new car we thought might be a cab, or sobbing into a phone to some poor thing that made the mistake of trying to love confessing all the horrors I imagined I might become, then there was the year of setting small fires at the edge of the desert just to see if the world could really burn, and there is always watching couples and strangers in double vision desperately trying to kiss their fears away under the blur of top hats and confetti...

I wonder what joys this new year may hold...

It's a new beginning for us all to continue our same old ways.

Oh the holidaze.

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