Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Illusion of Individuality pt. 13


when your wife finally admitted to herself that she had been recklessly flirting with one of the local baristas (who clearly had highly sexualized eyes for her) by asking your permission to be allowed to engage in an extramarital affair with the girl behind the counter at the coffee shop with the dangerously crazy ice blue-green eyes, you had to chuckle to yourself. after spending the entire three years of your marriage to her being constantly damned as an adulterer despite there having been little instance nor evidence to support that charge legitimately, this seemed like a devious window to change all that. she had never seen the humor in your satirical postings to the Craigslist casual encounters personals advertizing encounters which could include anything from naked bicycle rides through the Quarter with near toxic daiquiris, face-paint & paper streamers to steamy nights duct taped to vinyl couches on second story balconies being flogged with a rubber chicken. sure in your single years hook-ups had been achieved via these posts, but the real fun was in reading the replies of sexually curious/ adventurous/ needy New Orleans women (and men, despite having been in the M4W section), many times with rather startling jpeg.’s as attachments. to you, this seemed like an excellent opportunity to let your wife finally relieve you of this frustrating nonsense by giving her the chance to “hang herself” through acts of her own volition. you also reasoned that if she became an actual adulterer that would not only self-destruct her insane accusations, but she might even share the booty - given patience, time, prodding and a few mixed drinks. But the important thing here was to get her to see her own double standards that you seemed trapped by; you were guilty of an act you had never done which was the same act that she was hoping to do, as if adultery would not be an issue so long she was the one doing it
this psychotic line of reasoning was typical of your wife. you had always pictured the inside of her mind to be synonymous with an puppy who had been randomly kicked with vengeful impunity over its short life and who was currently dosed “to the gills” on PCP, then thrown into a lamp-less shipping container where the floor was strewn with shards of glass that twinkled like diamonds in the light of the fire that flickered from its oil soaked and burning tail… no matter how furious her wild and groundless accusations and condemnations made you, at the end of the day all you ever felt was a deep and aching sympathy, for she neither had any awareness nor control over her doomed and self-contradictory psychological situation.

if marriage and the subsequent attempt to share one’s life, taught you one thing, its that we’re all gonna’ burn.  trying to believe in both free will and causality simultaneously (in the case of your wife and, sadly, what appeared to be the vast majority of everyone else) forces one into situations where there have to be separate rules for individual cases as well as that the application of those rules will be piecemeal and corrupted. thus, any type of actual system is impossible and the only thing left is madness. and so at the end of the day you have always had to amend your logical and liberating admiration to the philosophical theory of strict determinism in order to operate to the most minimal degree within society. for despite your best and most eloquent inquiries as to how another can base everything in their world on the chain of cause and effect, yet reserve this one little area referred to as free will as exempt from having a cause and thus implying that within each human psyche there exists a line in the sand akin to an event horizon or cosmic singularity where past that given (yet indefinable) point the (near) universally accepted concept of causality no longer applies, the standard response from others is either a retreat to an equally absurd and unknowable defense such as the existence of a higher power as an explanation or just a tirade of “you’re wrong, you’re wrong, no! no! no! stop talking like a crazy person!” which, to you, begged the next most obvious question, “now explain to me how i’m the crazy one here and you’re not?”

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